America lets discuss a pop culture phenomenon. One captured in the 1932 movie White Zombie. That’s right we’re talking about Zombies. Not that they will be our impending doom. Or how to be best prepared for this catastrophic event. We’re going to talk about how unrealistic a zombie apocalypse really is. Now I’m not saying, “oh my god this is sooooo fake. Zombies are an impossible fear of the imagination”. I’m saying a zombie take over could never happen for one reason and one reason alone. Guns. That’s right guns. Now many would say the United States has a gun problem. It seems like every other month there are news about a mass shooting. It’s heart breaking. It really is. Whether you see guns as a scourge on society or as a tool for defense, it is the right to bear arms that would protect us from a zombie apocalypse.
A zombie scourge would be nipped in the bud very quickly. Oh, shoot a zombie outbreak has happened in the Woodlands mall? No need to worry Mr. Cena has a concealed carry license for his colt 45. Boom zombie dead and everyone can go back to enjoying their Chick-Fil-A. Honestly maybe zombies would be the best way to deal with the American gun discourse. Think about it. You’re mad after a tough day of work and your boss was being a total jerk. Well go to the zombie shooting range. They are already dead, so you don’t have to worry about hurting anything. Also hunting. I totally could see poachers shifting from hunting big and exotic game to zombies. Maybe if we had zombies Cecil the lion would still be alive. I’m not saying I have the answers for protecting endangered animals but I’m just throwing that out there.
Yet I digress. Why would guns call bullshit on the zombie armageddon. Well first and most obviously, self-defense duh. I don’t know about other states, but here in Texas, so many people have guns. Like so much so that if there were zombies, I would have no problem barbecuing with my neighbors. Because let’s say Aunt Irma rises from the grave and comes my way to eat my sweet, sweet brain. I know Larry from down the street would easily be able to no scope that undead witch. We wouldn’t even need the police or the army. 911 Calls would be like “Oh there’s a zombie in your backyard? Why don’t you just drive down Woodlands Parkway to your local Academy Sports and Outdoors and buy a Berretta A300.” It’s just so ridiculous that Hollywood is making humans look so weak to these lethargic push overs. I mean they move so slow; you can’t tell me they wouldn’t be easy targets. I bet the army would use them for training exercises. That’s how little of a threat they would be. Oh yeah Matt, but what if there were a hundred at the local roller rink. Automatic guns. Duh.
If you think about it, maybe zombies aren’t such a bad idea. We have a crap ton of guns, so instead of using them on each other, maybe we would turn them on our undead brothers.
Hammared 