Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Social Commentary

Not Today Scammers

Not today scammer. You’re not getting Walmart gift cards from me. That’s right someone tried to scam me. They tried to impersonate my company’s CEO, but it didn’t work on me. It did throw me off though. I’m a low man on the totem pole. Why would the CEO email me? Also, who is the CEO? I didn’t know when the scammer emailed me, I honestly thought he was a client. I knew I heard the name before, but I thought it was from being CC’d on an email to the client. Everything about the email through me off. Asking for help on an urgent task, using the word ASAP, and improper use of grammar. Everything was off. So, I thought to myself why did the scammer suck? Am I a super sleuth? Probably. But still I am going to analyze everything why this scam is trash.

  1. The Email Address

If you are going to email a peon in a random company impersonating a CEO, at least put the CEO’s name in the email. That’s right I said it. The scammer didn’t put the CEO’s name in the email. Instead it said Millsaps. Was a small liberal arts school in Mississippi emailing me? Is the urgent task that they want me to give a commencement speech at their upcoming graduation? I’m honored, but I doubt it. I would be surprised if a school of less than a thousand asked a random guy who works in record keeping to give a commencement speech. Nice try scammer, but I’m not that dumb.

  1. The Contents of the Email

Grammar. Let’s be real if your running a company for private equity, your going to use proper grammar. Capitalization is important. I know that if I’m sending an email to coworker, hell even if I’m doing a team’s message, I’m going to know when to capitalize. Starting off an email with “hi matthew”, is going to catch my attention, but not in the OMG THE CEO is messaging me kind of way. Mainly because I forgot who he was, but you get my point.

  1. What was the Scam?

The reason I mentioned that the scammer was not getting Walmart gift cards from me, is because I have seen the trick before. You get an email from the CEO asking you about an urgent task and then all the sudden they ask you for gift cards. Why are they asking for gift cards? Well they want to give them away for bonuses. Does it make sense? Frankly, no. If I was at work having an annual review and my boss said, “we are pleased with your work and love the energy you give in the office. Your also extremely handsome and I see great potential in you. Here’s a $25 gift card to Walmart.” I would be pissed. What a gift card? If your going to give me $25 at least give me cash so I can spend it on scratch offs.

  1. What I’ve learned

Well to be honest not much. There are quite a few questions that have been raised because of this email. How did they get my work email? Why me? Is there a mole in my company siphoning off corporate emails to scammers? Sadly, we will never know. I’ve learned that I’m not a gullible as I thought, because I was able to stop a phishing. So, shout out me. There’s a lot that could have gone wrong. As stated before I could have been out $600 dollars.

 

Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Social Commentary, Uncategorized

A Zombie Apocalypse is Bullshit

America lets discuss a pop culture phenomenon. One captured in the 1932 movie White Zombie. That’s right we’re talking about Zombies. Not that they will be our impending doom. Or how to be best prepared for this catastrophic event. We’re going to talk about how unrealistic a zombie apocalypse really is. Now I’m not saying, “oh my god this is sooooo fake. Zombies are an impossible fear of the imagination”. I’m saying a zombie take over could never happen for one reason and one reason alone. Guns. That’s right guns. Now many would say the United States has a gun problem. It seems like every other month there are news about a mass shooting. It’s heart breaking. It really is. Whether you see guns as a scourge on society or as a tool for defense, it is the right to bear arms that would protect us from a zombie apocalypse.

Image result for zombie apocalypse"

A zombie scourge would be nipped in the bud very quickly. Oh, shoot a zombie outbreak has happened in the Woodlands mall? No need to worry Mr. Cena has a concealed carry license for his colt 45. Boom zombie dead and everyone can go back to enjoying their Chick-Fil-A. Honestly maybe zombies would be the best way to deal with the American gun discourse. Think about it. You’re mad after a tough day of work and your boss was being a total jerk. Well go to the zombie shooting range. They are already dead, so you don’t have to worry about hurting anything. Also hunting. I totally could see poachers shifting from hunting big and exotic game to zombies. Maybe if we had zombies Cecil the lion would still be alive. I’m not saying I have the answers for protecting endangered animals but I’m just throwing that out there.

Image result for rip cecil the lion"

Yet I digress. Why would guns call bullshit on the zombie armageddon. Well first and most obviously, self-defense duh. I don’t know about other states, but here in Texas, so many people have guns. Like so much so that if there were zombies, I would have no problem barbecuing with my neighbors. Because let’s say Aunt Irma rises from the grave and comes my way to eat my sweet, sweet brain. I know Larry from down the street would easily be able to no scope that undead witch. We wouldn’t even need the police or the army. 911 Calls would be like “Oh there’s a zombie in your backyard? Why don’t you just drive down Woodlands Parkway to your local Academy Sports and Outdoors and buy a Berretta A300.” It’s just so ridiculous that Hollywood is making humans look so weak to these lethargic push overs. I mean they move so slow; you can’t tell me they wouldn’t be easy targets. I bet the army would use them for training exercises. That’s how little of a threat they would be. Oh yeah Matt, but what if there were a hundred at the local roller rink. Automatic guns. Duh.

Image result for zombie apocalypse"

If you think about it, maybe zombies aren’t such a bad idea. We have a crap ton of guns, so instead of using them on each other, maybe we would turn them on our undead brothers.

Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Social Commentary

Donald Trump said “Build the Mall”

In honor of Donald Trump’s impending inauguration, I thought I would share a story with the world.   I’ve struggled with finding an outlet for this post for a while now. At first I thought of posting it on social media, but I decided against such a course due to my disdain for elongated Facebook posts and other ilk of its kind.  I toyed with writing a novel, perhaps some essays I have in queue, but there’s no way this story would be published in time. Then it dawned on me a blog. So here you go world, the greatest example of misinformed voting.

It’s November ninth, the day after the election and for some it is a day of mourning. However, for one suburban sorority all-star in particular, it was an abrupt eye-opener to the world in front of her.

I’m waiting in line at Starbucks doing nothing spectacular, when I hear what sounds like someone crying. I’m not a hundred percent sure what’s going on, so I quickly glance over my shoulder to see two girls in their early twenties sitting approximately three feet to my left: what happened next blew my mind.

“I didn’t know he wanted to build a wall!” Girl one weakly whimpered to her consoling friend. “I thought he wanted to build a mall!”

My thought process upon hearing this:  “Is she serious?…… Holy shit she is! This is fucking awesome! Judging by the Greek letters on her shirt she’s currently in a sorority. So that means that she’s in college. But to misconstrue such a crucial point of Trump’s platform is huge. I know sorority girls have a ditsy stereotype, but this takes it to another level.”  So doing what any person would do, I stepped out of line, grabbed a table within earshot, and was in for a fucking show.

“Sarah, it’s okay. Girl, anybody could have made that mistake. I mean like mall and wall sound soooooo similar. No one is going to judge you.” Girl, who I later learn is named Steph, whispered while rubbing Sarah’s back.

“I’m just so stupid! I knew it sounded too good to be true. Like a Mall of America in every city in America just isn’t even financially feasible! (The fuck are you talking about? This is when reason kicks in?) Do you know what a mall food court stands for Stephanie? Do you?!”

Stephanie, the girl comforting Sarah, just looked confused and who could blame her? The analogy that Sarah was about to throw out would dumbfound anyone. Who could have predicted that a girl who, I kid you not, voted for a presidential candidate because she thought he was going to build a mall, would delve deep into the social constructs of a mall food court.

“Inclusion Steph! It stands for inclusion! I mean you have like a Chinese place, near a Mexican restaurant, right next to a Wendy’s!” Sarah yelled before bursting into a fit of tears. “America is not a melting pot nor a salad bowl Steph, it’s a mall food court!”

I snorted when I heard this. This was the most outlandish metaphor I had ever heard describing America’s social landscape. However, aware that I may have compromised my eavesdropping, I checked my six to make sure I hadn’t attracted any attention. I was good.

“Uhhh” went Stephanie in the single most confused tone I’ve ever heard.

“See you don’t understand! The Chinese place, the Mexican restaurant, and the Wendy’s are then all owned by some Eastern European man who chortles at the cash he’s making on the overpriced garbage. Do you see it Steph, do you”?!

Now my mouth is wide open. This was gold. Pure, fucking Conquistador pillage the Aztec Empire gold.

“Everyone loves food courts! That’s what! It’s the Barn Party; everyone puts aside their differences and gets lit. But instead of taking shots, they’re eating tots Steph.” Sarah is low key getting hysteric now. “I just wanted them to eat tots Steph. Freaking freedom tots that would have quelled the social unrest of our great nation.”

Steph’s eyes are wide open now scanning the Starbucks, clearly mortified by her sorority sister’s meltdown. Still, I give her props for not bailing on her friend and continuing to comfort Sarah. “Girl you’re stressed, distressed, and depressed. Let’s get margs and unwind.”

And it was over. My exposé into the local food court was over. Margaritas had stolen the highlight of my week and there was nothing I could do about it. Here an un-informed, yet oddly intelligent person systematically deconstructed the relationship of a food court. I sat in my seat pondering the events that had just occurred and was astounded.