Social Commentary

February 2, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Social Commentary, Sports

I Sure as Hell Couldn’t do a Post-Fight Interview

Let’s take a minute to appreciate all the combat athletes who take part in post-fight interviews. Not the winners, because for obvious reasons that must be awesome. I mean come on you get to brag to people why and how you whooped the other guy’s ass. Nothing can be more exhilarating than bragging to people why you are an ass kicking machine. But no, I’m talking about the losers. Whether it be a quick knock out, a TKO, or a judge’s decision, I’m talking about how much of a man you must be to address why you lost a fight. Think about it there are few things more humiliating than losing a fight. Both physically and mentally, losing a fight destroys a person. Your body is injured, and your pride is hurt. Then you must answer, what in my honest opinion, are some of the stupidest questions on earth. Imagine being dejected about a potentially career altering loss and now having to address it. What would you have done different? Why do you think the Judges weren’t in your decision? Why do you have a glass jaw? Are all questions that must tear at a fighter’s soul. I know I’m a little late to the party posting this but think of the Cowboy/ McGregor fight. No matter how you look at it, Donald Cerrone is an absolute legend. Seriously I will argue this with anyone. @ me if you think I’m wrong. But he got destroyed by Connor McGregor. Do you think he wanted to address why repeated shoulder strikes broke his nose? Do you think he wanted to address why he is the first person in the UFC to have their nose broken by repeated shoulder strikes? No, I don’t think so. But he did and that is equally as impressive as having most knockouts in UFC history

Shout out to all the guys and girls who address their losses on TV. Combat sport or not. You must be a bad ass mother fucker to sit in a freaking press conference and admit why you lost. I think back to the 2018 NCAA March Madness Tournament where number one seed Virginia lost to sixteen seed UMBC. Virginia obviously crushed by being the first number seed in NCAA history to lose to a sixteen seed must address the media about their loss. Then to make things worse they are literally asked “did you know a first seed has never lost to the number sixteen seed before?” That must be brutal! Shout out to that Virginia player for not throwing his mic at the little “j” journalist who asked that question. That is one strong dude.

I’m going to tell you right now; I don’t know if I could do it. I would probably walk out of the cage or court pissed. I mean do they have media training about how to address a loss? Don’t get me wrong there is a plethora of YouTube videos of athletes cussing out the refs or opposition after a loss. It can’t be easy to maintain your composure. I imagine that this kind of media training would seem like a joke during the moment, but it’s not until afterwards that you would realize how beneficial this is. Up until his fight with Jorge Masvidal, Ben Askren was an undefeated machine. He talked a ton of shit an could back it up. He trashed that Jorge like crazy. However, it was to no avail as he was the recipient of a flying knee knock out. Fastest Knockout in UFC history. Ouch. He could have dipped and not address his humiliation. But instead he went on the Ariel Helwani show the next day and addressed his loss.

He took it on the chin and owned up to his. Something that many could considered endeared him to many fans. The ability to own up to a loss is a tough thing to do. Combat athletes who address the media after a loss in a humble manner is a great way to save face in the eyes of the fans.

January 25, 2020January 26, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Social Commentary

Not Today Scammers

Not today scammer. You’re not getting Walmart gift cards from me. That’s right someone tried to scam me. They tried to impersonate my company’s CEO, but it didn’t work on me. It did throw me off though. I’m a low man on the totem pole. Why would the CEO email me? Also, who is the CEO? I didn’t know when the scammer emailed me, I honestly thought he was a client. I knew I heard the name before, but I thought it was from being CC’d on an email to the client. Everything about the email through me off. Asking for help on an urgent task, using the word ASAP, and improper use of grammar. Everything was off. So, I thought to myself why did the scammer suck? Am I a super sleuth? Probably. But still I am going to analyze everything why this scam is trash.

The Email Address

If you are going to email a peon in a random company impersonating a CEO, at least put the CEO’s name in the email. That’s right I said it. The scammer didn’t put the CEO’s name in the email. Instead it said Millsaps. Was a small liberal arts school in Mississippi emailing me? Is the urgent task that they want me to give a commencement speech at their upcoming graduation? I’m honored, but I doubt it. I would be surprised if a school of less than a thousand asked a random guy who works in record keeping to give a commencement speech. Nice try scammer, but I’m not that dumb.

The Contents of the Email

Grammar. Let’s be real if your running a company for private equity, your going to use proper grammar. Capitalization is important. I know that if I’m sending an email to coworker, hell even if I’m doing a team’s message, I’m going to know when to capitalize. Starting off an email with “hi matthew”, is going to catch my attention, but not in the OMG THE CEO is messaging me kind of way. Mainly because I forgot who he was, but you get my point.

What was the Scam?

The reason I mentioned that the scammer was not getting Walmart gift cards from me, is because I have seen the trick before. You get an email from the CEO asking you about an urgent task and then all the sudden they ask you for gift cards. Why are they asking for gift cards? Well they want to give them away for bonuses. Does it make sense? Frankly, no. If I was at work having an annual review and my boss said, “we are pleased with your work and love the energy you give in the office. Your also extremely handsome and I see great potential in you. Here’s a $25 gift card to Walmart.” I would be pissed. What a gift card? If your going to give me $25 at least give me cash so I can spend it on scratch offs.

What I’ve learned

Well to be honest not much. There are quite a few questions that have been raised because of this email. How did they get my work email? Why me? Is there a mole in my company siphoning off corporate emails to scammers? Sadly, we will never know. I’ve learned that I’m not a gullible as I thought, because I was able to stop a phishing. So, shout out me. There’s a lot that could have gone wrong. As stated before I could have been out $600 dollars.

January 12, 2020January 14, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Social Commentary, Uncategorized

A Zombie Apocalypse is Bullshit

America lets discuss a pop culture phenomenon. One captured in the 1932 movie White Zombie. That’s right we’re talking about Zombies. Not that they will be our impending doom. Or how to be best prepared for this catastrophic event. We’re going to talk about how unrealistic a zombie apocalypse really is. Now I’m not saying, “oh my god this is sooooo fake. Zombies are an impossible fear of the imagination”. I’m saying a zombie take over could never happen for one reason and one reason alone. Guns. That’s right guns. Now many would say the United States has a gun problem. It seems like every other month there are news about a mass shooting. It’s heart breaking. It really is. Whether you see guns as a scourge on society or as a tool for defense, it is the right to bear arms that would protect us from a zombie apocalypse.

A zombie scourge would be nipped in the bud very quickly. Oh, shoot a zombie outbreak has happened in the Woodlands mall? No need to worry Mr. Cena has a concealed carry license for his colt 45. Boom zombie dead and everyone can go back to enjoying their Chick-Fil-A. Honestly maybe zombies would be the best way to deal with the American gun discourse. Think about it. You’re mad after a tough day of work and your boss was being a total jerk. Well go to the zombie shooting range. They are already dead, so you don’t have to worry about hurting anything. Also hunting. I totally could see poachers shifting from hunting big and exotic game to zombies. Maybe if we had zombies Cecil the lion would still be alive. I’m not saying I have the answers for protecting endangered animals but I’m just throwing that out there.

Yet I digress. Why would guns call bullshit on the zombie armageddon. Well first and most obviously, self-defense duh. I don’t know about other states, but here in Texas, so many people have guns. Like so much so that if there were zombies, I would have no problem barbecuing with my neighbors. Because let’s say Aunt Irma rises from the grave and comes my way to eat my sweet, sweet brain. I know Larry from down the street would easily be able to no scope that undead witch. We wouldn’t even need the police or the army. 911 Calls would be like “Oh there’s a zombie in your backyard? Why don’t you just drive down Woodlands Parkway to your local Academy Sports and Outdoors and buy a Berretta A300.” It’s just so ridiculous that Hollywood is making humans look so weak to these lethargic push overs. I mean they move so slow; you can’t tell me they wouldn’t be easy targets. I bet the army would use them for training exercises. That’s how little of a threat they would be. Oh yeah Matt, but what if there were a hundred at the local roller rink. Automatic guns. Duh.

If you think about it, maybe zombies aren’t such a bad idea. We have a crap ton of guns, so instead of using them on each other, maybe we would turn them on our undead brothers.

January 11, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, politics, Social Commentary

Guy Fieri: The Civil Leader We Need

We live in a tumultuous time right now. There is the ever-present war with Iran. The upcoming presidential election between a slew of democratic maybes and a man so polarizing that opinions of him are questions on dating profiles. It’s honestly a little scary. I have friends who make jokes about the draft all the time. It’s pretty much constant. The distress between political parties. The distress between people of different beliefs. It’s honestly too much. However, in this dark time, there is a beacon of hope who can save us from our impending geopolitical and civil doom. There is one person who can elevate the fear of the masses and protect us from the evils that are approaching us. That man is the mayor of Flavor Town, Guy Fieri.

Let’s be real America, Guy Fieri represents everything this country stands for. The little Mom and Pop businesses who work tirelessly to provide for their families and their communities. We all love the story of the little person rising to the top, becoming a beacon for those around them and Guy Fieri brings these great Americans to the forefront. He’s someone who both democrats and republicans can rally around. Though both parties may argue about the semantics, we all want the same thing. A great leader to lead us through these uncertain times. And my friends, I can tell you Guy Fieri is that man. Oh no Iran is pissed, here have this barbecue sauce seasoned with golpar from an elderly couple from Asheville. The man would use food to dissolve political conflict. And don’t tell me the man couldn’t debate with global leaders. You’re seriously telling me that a small diner in Indiana doesn’t want their secret recipe for chili BROADCASTED on national television. Honestly, I don’t know, but I can tell you who convinced them to spill the beans. GUY FUCKING FIERI.

He’s the Mayor of Flavor Town and think about the social importance that sharing a meal has on our society. Yeah you and your aunt may not see eye-to-eye on health care, but after a full stomach of Guy’s famous Cajun fried turkey you’ll agree about a suitable defense budget. Yes, sometimes it can be stressful breaking bread with someone you disagree with. I mean people break up with each other over meals. But a good meal can settle the mood and can put even the most conflicted of lovers on the same page for an evening. So now imagine what a man who knows his way around food and pushes the goals of the common man could do for this country. Republicans and democrats. Trumpers and Bernie bros sharing a sloppy Joe for the common good of the country. People say The Rock 2020, but I’m telling you Guy Fieri 2020 is the move.

Lets also think about it from the most superficial standpoint that a leader can have, their looks. If my next reason doesn’t convince you, then I have failed with this blog. Frosted tips. Guy Fieri is the only man in 2020 who can pull off frosted tips. That’s right I said it. Thirty years after its boom in popularity, Guy is still rocking the tips. That my friends is confidence. That’s what people want in a leader. A person who can set aside preconceived notions of antiquated ideas. Literally the only man who can rock a shirt with flames on it. You tell me the supreme leader of Iran wouldn’t be down to peace talks with a man who can rock the shit out of frosted tips while also know the best halal places on the east coast.

January 11, 2020January 11, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Finance, Self-Help, Social Commentary

CryptoCurrency Is Not My Safe Word

When I say cryptocurrency is not my safe word, I don’t mean this in a sexual way. I say it in a financial sense. I spent more money in 2019 then I would have liked. I had an expensive ex-girlfriend and spent way too much going out at night. There were plenty a Monday where I looked at my bank account and simply sighed. However, I don’t consider that the most financially irresponsible thing I did in 2019. Unfortunately for myself, I got back into cryptocurrency. Now let’s make one thing clear, I didn’t lose that much money. Really, I mean it. Okay maybe a little more than I would have liked, but I’m out. I wiped my hands of the slots machine high of that digital currency. After much thought and a quick text conversation with my dad, I took my investments towards the more traditional route.

I honestly believe if sports gambling was legal in Texas I would have not invested in Litecoin and I would have known when to call it quits. You see the thing with crypto currency is the volatility. For instance, towards the end of my stint in crypto I invested in Orchid. This coin was new to Coinbase and in the matter of a day I had grown my $30 to $80. In hindsight, I should have taken the $50 win and bounced, but like most degenerate gamblers I was going to ride the high. Well that was stupid on my part because in the following day it dropped to $25. Okay, so a five dollar decrease from my original investment may not seem like much of a loss. But its frustrating. It’s the FOMO on the quick financial gains of crypto that traps you. At least with sports betting, it’s clear whether you win or lose. You have your out. With crypto it never ends. Let us say you do pull your money out at a profit, it’s easy to keep your head glued to your phone to see where the next point of entry should be. Or you listened to the shills on twitter and entered a coin that was supposed to go to the moon and instead it drops like a rock. There is a myriad of ways that you can get sucked in and trapped. Unlike the stock market which has a clear opening and closing bell. Bitcoin never sleeps. I have had times where I went to bed net positive, only to wake up $30 below the meridian.

The whole reason I got into cryptocurrency in the first place was to make a quick buck. I knew I wasn’t going to become a bitcoin billionaire and that pushes me to believe that if sports betting was legal, I would have taken my money elsewhere and learned my lesson real quick. No one gets rich betting on the patriots, but you probably don’t go -50% on you gambling fund either. So, I will be the first to say that it is my fault that I came out net negative, but honesty I was casually vested. I have a job so its not like I had the time to day trade, and I didn’t have time to learn about graphs and candles. But can I be real? Who can predict the price based off of a chart? I have seen many people be way off the mark on twitter. Also, people who are really into crypto are the worlds most optimistic people. Five months ago I read a pundit predict that bitcoin was going to climb to $20,000. Well flash forward five months and it dropped $5000.

January 15, 2017January 20, 2017 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Social Commentary

Donald Trump said “Build the Mall”

In honor of Donald Trump’s impending inauguration, I thought I would share a story with the world. I’ve struggled with finding an outlet for this post for a while now. At first I thought of posting it on social media, but I decided against such a course due to my disdain for elongated Facebook posts and other ilk of its kind. I toyed with writing a novel, perhaps some essays I have in queue, but there’s no way this story would be published in time. Then it dawned on me a blog. So here you go world, the greatest example of misinformed voting.

It’s November ninth, the day after the election and for some it is a day of mourning. However, for one suburban sorority all-star in particular, it was an abrupt eye-opener to the world in front of her.

I’m waiting in line at Starbucks doing nothing spectacular, when I hear what sounds like someone crying. I’m not a hundred percent sure what’s going on, so I quickly glance over my shoulder to see two girls in their early twenties sitting approximately three feet to my left: what happened next blew my mind.

“I didn’t know he wanted to build a wall!” Girl one weakly whimpered to her consoling friend. “I thought he wanted to build a mall!”

My thought process upon hearing this: “Is she serious?…… Holy shit she is! This is fucking awesome! Judging by the Greek letters on her shirt she’s currently in a sorority. So that means that she’s in college. But to misconstrue such a crucial point of Trump’s platform is huge. I know sorority girls have a ditsy stereotype, but this takes it to another level.” So doing what any person would do, I stepped out of line, grabbed a table within earshot, and was in for a fucking show.

“Sarah, it’s okay. Girl, anybody could have made that mistake. I mean like mall and wall sound soooooo similar. No one is going to judge you.” Girl, who I later learn is named Steph, whispered while rubbing Sarah’s back.

“I’m just so stupid! I knew it sounded too good to be true. Like a Mall of America in every city in America just isn’t even financially feasible! (The fuck are you talking about? This is when reason kicks in?) Do you know what a mall food court stands for Stephanie? Do you?!”

Stephanie, the girl comforting Sarah, just looked confused and who could blame her? The analogy that Sarah was about to throw out would dumbfound anyone. Who could have predicted that a girl who, I kid you not, voted for a presidential candidate because she thought he was going to build a mall, would delve deep into the social constructs of a mall food court.

“Inclusion Steph! It stands for inclusion! I mean you have like a Chinese place, near a Mexican restaurant, right next to a Wendy’s!” Sarah yelled before bursting into a fit of tears. “America is not a melting pot nor a salad bowl Steph, it’s a mall food court!”

I snorted when I heard this. This was the most outlandish metaphor I had ever heard describing America’s social landscape. However, aware that I may have compromised my eavesdropping, I checked my six to make sure I hadn’t attracted any attention. I was good.

“Uhhh” went Stephanie in the single most confused tone I’ve ever heard.

“See you don’t understand! The Chinese place, the Mexican restaurant, and the Wendy’s are then all owned by some Eastern European man who chortles at the cash he’s making on the overpriced garbage. Do you see it Steph, do you”?!

Now my mouth is wide open. This was gold. Pure, fucking Conquistador pillage the Aztec Empire gold.

“Everyone loves food courts! That’s what! It’s the Barn Party; everyone puts aside their differences and gets lit. But instead of taking shots, they’re eating tots Steph.” Sarah is low key getting hysteric now. “I just wanted them to eat tots Steph. Freaking freedom tots that would have quelled the social unrest of our great nation.”

Steph’s eyes are wide open now scanning the Starbucks, clearly mortified by her sorority sister’s meltdown. Still, I give her props for not bailing on her friend and continuing to comfort Sarah. “Girl you’re stressed, distressed, and depressed. Let’s get margs and unwind.”

And it was over. My exposé into the local food court was over. Margaritas had stolen the highlight of my week and there was nothing I could do about it. Here an un-informed, yet oddly intelligent person systematically deconstructed the relationship of a food court. I sat in my seat pondering the events that had just occurred and was astounded.