Comedy – Hammared

October 23, 2020October 23, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, fashion, Humor

The Teddy Fresh 8 Panel Unstructured Hat is Definitely Not a Beanie

Now let me tell you right here this is a hat. That’s right you heard it from me, it is definitely a hat and totally not a beanie. I know a lot of people when they buy a hat online wonder how it will fit their head. Will it sit snuggly at the top of the cranium? Or will it envelope me like a warm beanie? It’s a tough place to be in when ordering a hat. It really is. Luckily for me this hat fits snuggly like a hat should. And boy was I relieved.

There’s multiple colorways you can get for the Teddy Fresh 8 Panel Unstructured Hat and I painstakingly decided to go with the natural colorway. If there is one thing to take away from this hat review, is boy does it make me look hot. If this was Dungeons and Dragons, it would give me +10 to my hotness. I don’t even play DnD and I know that it’s an item I’d want my desert dwarf named Granelli to wear.

I felt the hat when it first arrived and based on 100% Melton wool construction, damn is it a soft hat. Prior to getting the hat, I didn’t know what Melton wool was! I was scared that it would be rugged and tough. While I could wear that in a construction site or a landfill and look fashionable, I wanted to something soft and subtle for my weak scalp. Look, as a reviewer it my duty to be 100% percent honest. This hat is very breathable. So much so that my chronic dandruff disappeared. I could now wear a black shirt without the fear of looking like snow globe.

The design of the hat is quite simple. Yet it is that simplicity is where its elegance thrives. The “TF” emblazoned on the front is the same natural shade as the rest of the hat. Giving it a soft aesthetic. That coupled with the very flexible brim screams, “hey I am a go with the flow bro”. Not much better than a hat that helps ease first impressions. Who doesn’t like bros who go with flow? Adaptability. Its important in many facets of life. Dating, job interviews, and cage fighting are all great examples of where adaptability thrives. This hat is the opposite of a vibe vampire because is screams the vibe of adaptability and comfort.

To round off my review the hat is a top ten hat. What comes before it and after it are up for debate, except a cowboy hat, because that thing is dope. But I digress. The hat is dope and recommend for people who want a +10 to their hotness.

October 23, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Humor, politics

Stop Simping for the Royal Family

I am sorry, but someone has to say it, stop simping for the British Royal Family. Now I’m not saying abolish them or anything. They seem cool, I mean the queen of England has an open bar for her servants. But please stop making your Instagram stories pictures of Prince George. He’s seven, is in no means related to you, and it’s creepy. That is the level of fan boy/girl that I don’t understand. I don’t even think the British care that much for them. As weird as it sounds, I feel like it’s more of an American thing.

For real though god save the queen and all, but give the kid some privacy. People don’t even do that to the President’s kids. Only time you see pictures of the towering string bean known as Barron Trump is when he is walking out of a car with his parents. But seriously have you seen Barron he’s like 6’7 and is a toothpick. The kid will not stop growing.

Dictionary.com defines a simp as “… a slang insult for men seen as too attentive and submissive to women.” But that is too narrow of a description of the term simp. A simp can be anyone. Male, female, non-binary, hell even your dog. Yeah that’s right, I said it. Your dog is a simp. But it’s cool, he’s probably cute and a total bro. But at it’s heart it’s being too attentive and submissive. For instead the was a period of time where every time I would go to the grocery store, I would see a people magazine where the front page was royal family gossip or what Princess Kate was wearing. For a gossip Magazine it makes sense. They are celebrities it in their wheelhouse. But front page! Your simping if you think that is more important than Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston getting back together. The travesty! Also If you have to buy a dying medium to learn about Princess Kate’s Burberry scarf you’re a simp.

Now to my British friends or anyone part of the commonwealth, you get a pass. I mean she is your queen. A figure head, but a queen. To my American friends though, take a step back a re-evaluate. I’m not saying fuck the British. If I had to rank countries on levels of Bro, England would easily be in the top five. I went to part of middle school and high school there, I know first had how cool brit’s can be. Except for that one girl at the Weybridge train station who kept trying to get me to say lollipop. That shit was weird. It’s okay to buy into the fantasy of royalty and imagine yourself married to member of the royal family who has a terrible hairline, but there is a line that cannot be crossed. Collecting magazines, posting baby pictures, and having an empty can of Irn-Brw that you dug out of the Buckingham Palace trash is simping. Simping can be categorized as a form of stalking. Where you are so infatuated with a person that you forget normal social cues. Forgetting how to act around others creates deep issues in ones life. So it is here that I say stop the simping. Nobody likes a simp.

February 9, 2020February 9, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Coffee, Comedy, Humor

Believe It or Not, City of Saints Coffee Roasters’ the Woodsman Tastes like Coffee!

So, I can say without a matter of doubt in my mind that City of Saints Coffee Roasters’ The Woodsman is definitely a coffee. Now I know some of you were wondering “Hey it says coffee, but what if they are trying to pull a goof and a gaff and its really tea?” Well bud I got your back. This bean juice right here is 100% coffee. It’s quite good too. Good flavor and great aroma, it really has it all. Now the flavor profile is a little hard to describe, but the best way to put for my other coffee connoisseurs out there is that it tastes like coffee. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I got my bag in the mail from Trade Coffee Co. What if it tastes like kombucha? Kombucha is popular these days, so what if City of Saints Coffee Roaster’s tried to capture its essence? Now this is going to be tough for my SCOBY loving friends, but it doesn’t. Instead this bean juice has the flavor of another bean, Cocoa Nibs. I didn’t even know what a nib was before I wrote this. I had to google search it. Its basically the cocoa bean. So, this coffee’s beans borrows flavors from another bean. Beanception. It really adds to its overall flavor of tasting like coffee.

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The Smell

The Aroma of the coffee in particular is quite remarkable. At first it was too bitter, but then I realized that I had put an extra scoop of coffee beans in my grinder, not my usual four scoops. So, the next day I did my usual four and examined the aroma. On the coffee bag it says that the coffee has hints of tobacco. This threw me off. Because quite frankly the closest I’ve come to tasting and smelling tobacco is a cigarette. So, does that mean this will taste and smell like a cigarette? I was really hoping it wouldn’t smell like a cigarette because I don’t like the smell of cigarettes. They smell icky. I remembered the wafting method I learned in high school chemistry of putting your nose close to a chemical and essentially pushing the air around it towards your nose. You don’t want to put your nose on top of the beaker, because some chemicals if smelt directly can have dire consequences. It happens with hydrochloric acid all the time. In short, I didn’t want cancer. So, in the off case that this did smell like cigarettes I got a safe distance from the coffee and began to waft. Well I would like to commend City of Saints Coffee Roasters because it smelled like coffee.

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The Taste

Now let’s address the most important part of a cup of joe. The taste. Was it going to taste like a cigarette? Was it going to have flavors of another bean? Or does it taste like the advertised burnt sugar? To my surprise it tasted like coffee. That’s right coffee. It had me scared for a minute, because I don’t think I could drink something that tasted like a cigarette. Another bean I could do. But only cocoa nibs. I don’t think I could handle vanilla bean flavored coffee. That is where I draw the line. And in regard to burnt sugar, I’d be cool with that too, since that is simply caramelized sugar. The coffee flavor of the coffee was strong, but not overwhelming in a sense that it was bitter. More in a sense of it definitely being coffee. I do have to say I nailed the water to coffee grounds ration. I don’t use a scale to get the ratio to an exact ounce. I use four scoops of a coffee scooper and use basically all of the water in my Hario goose neck kettle. Then I let brewing process take place in my Chemex. It led to a strong-tasting coffee with subtle hints of coffee to round it off.

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Post Brew Thoughts

This is a strong contender for one of the best cups of coffee I have had. It really made me feel like I was in my apartment drinking coffee. Which is nice, because I like my apartment. From top to bottom this was an enjoyable brew. The flavor didn’t overpower my palette and I could still taste my breakfast. The coffee bag itself is resealable so it’s very easy to store for future coffee brewing. Would I recommend it to my friends? Yes definitely. But not if they are looking for a coffee that tastes like cigarettes, because this is definitely not that.

February 2, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Social Commentary, Sports

I Sure as Hell Couldn’t do a Post-Fight Interview

Let’s take a minute to appreciate all the combat athletes who take part in post-fight interviews. Not the winners, because for obvious reasons that must be awesome. I mean come on you get to brag to people why and how you whooped the other guy’s ass. Nothing can be more exhilarating than bragging to people why you are an ass kicking machine. But no, I’m talking about the losers. Whether it be a quick knock out, a TKO, or a judge’s decision, I’m talking about how much of a man you must be to address why you lost a fight. Think about it there are few things more humiliating than losing a fight. Both physically and mentally, losing a fight destroys a person. Your body is injured, and your pride is hurt. Then you must answer, what in my honest opinion, are some of the stupidest questions on earth. Imagine being dejected about a potentially career altering loss and now having to address it. What would you have done different? Why do you think the Judges weren’t in your decision? Why do you have a glass jaw? Are all questions that must tear at a fighter’s soul. I know I’m a little late to the party posting this but think of the Cowboy/ McGregor fight. No matter how you look at it, Donald Cerrone is an absolute legend. Seriously I will argue this with anyone. @ me if you think I’m wrong. But he got destroyed by Connor McGregor. Do you think he wanted to address why repeated shoulder strikes broke his nose? Do you think he wanted to address why he is the first person in the UFC to have their nose broken by repeated shoulder strikes? No, I don’t think so. But he did and that is equally as impressive as having most knockouts in UFC history

Shout out to all the guys and girls who address their losses on TV. Combat sport or not. You must be a bad ass mother fucker to sit in a freaking press conference and admit why you lost. I think back to the 2018 NCAA March Madness Tournament where number one seed Virginia lost to sixteen seed UMBC. Virginia obviously crushed by being the first number seed in NCAA history to lose to a sixteen seed must address the media about their loss. Then to make things worse they are literally asked “did you know a first seed has never lost to the number sixteen seed before?” That must be brutal! Shout out to that Virginia player for not throwing his mic at the little “j” journalist who asked that question. That is one strong dude.

I’m going to tell you right now; I don’t know if I could do it. I would probably walk out of the cage or court pissed. I mean do they have media training about how to address a loss? Don’t get me wrong there is a plethora of YouTube videos of athletes cussing out the refs or opposition after a loss. It can’t be easy to maintain your composure. I imagine that this kind of media training would seem like a joke during the moment, but it’s not until afterwards that you would realize how beneficial this is. Up until his fight with Jorge Masvidal, Ben Askren was an undefeated machine. He talked a ton of shit an could back it up. He trashed that Jorge like crazy. However, it was to no avail as he was the recipient of a flying knee knock out. Fastest Knockout in UFC history. Ouch. He could have dipped and not address his humiliation. But instead he went on the Ariel Helwani show the next day and addressed his loss.

He took it on the chin and owned up to his. Something that many could considered endeared him to many fans. The ability to own up to a loss is a tough thing to do. Combat athletes who address the media after a loss in a humble manner is a great way to save face in the eyes of the fans.

January 26, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy

Baby Yoda Cute. Adult Yoda Wise. Teenage Yoda a Twerp?

I have no problem admitting that like millions of people around the world that I think Baby Yoda is extremely cute. Yoda has been an extremely popular Star Wars character for decades. The wise Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back stood out to generations in his ability to guide Luke on the path of the Jedi. With the Mandalorian, Disney recaptured that magic and brought a brand-new lane of love to this iconic character. However, what about teenage Yoda? Well in my expert opinion I predict that he will most likely be a little twerp.

That’s right, Yoda probably wasn’t always the all-star Jedi we idolize him as. It’s hard to imagine I know. How could someone who was so cute as a baby and so wise in his later years, be such a little shit in his teens? I mean one obvious answer, puberty. Jedi hormones raging. He was probably just looking for a fight and to start some trouble. Now from a human standpoint, kids from 6^th grade to 10^th grade are the absolute worst. And Yoda’s species of alien have roughly ten times the life span of a human. That obviously means ten times the years of Jedi puberty raging for him. So, what does that mean? Let’s explore this. Probably picking on people younger than him. If we were going to say that Yoda’s species goes through puberty in a similar part of their lifespan to that of a human, that would mean he would be entering puberty at age 120 and exiting maybe at 170. So that would mean that all humans would be younger than Yoda. According to the foremost Wiki on the Star Wars universe, Wookiepedia, humans live up to a hundred years. It is without a matter of doubt that I say that Yoda would pick on even the oldest of humans. Because if there is anything that teenage twerps love, it is picking on those who are younger and weaker than them.

A person’s teenage years are a rebellious time. It’s a period in one’s youth that many use to find themselves. Sneaking out, underage drinking, and telling your parents you’re going to forego Jedi training and become a vlogger are all formative aspects of one’s teens. In a person’s teenage years, they can act out and they have the safety net of being young. So, I can say with out a matter of fact that teenage Yoda was a little shit. Let’s think about it, Yoda has the force, and do you think any teenager would be a hall monitor if they had the force? Get out of here. Yoda is probably force pulling brewskis out of the Mandalorian’s fridge when he is cleaning his pistol. Wow Yoda underage drinking. How dare you. But, to make things worse stealing! The man saved you from the empire and what thanks does he get? A rebellious pubescent Jedi. Now we don’t know when Yoda begins his Jedi training, so that leaves us with the question of how long he lives with his bounty hunter guardian. The man is a ruffian, a vagabond, and probably a buffalo bills fan. With a foster parent like this, its more than likely that teenage Yoda will use the force to shoot him into the air and hurtle himself back to earth only to land via crashing through a table. See a total mad lad.

Next how does somebody become wise? There are some who walk the straight and narrow from a young age. They know their right from wrong early on and are a stalwart for good morals. But for most, they must learn along the way. And I’m just saying Yoda and his bounty hunter foster dad probably had some wild adventures. Some of his most memorable quotes were probably founded in his teenage years. “The greatest teacher, Failure is” was probably a reference to Yoda failing multiple drug test to get into the Jedi Academy. Or the famous quote, “You must unlearn what you have learned” is rooted in Yoda’s years of misusing the force to control the minds of the unexpected Gungan. And finally, his iconic “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Now there is a lot to unpack here and probably the crux of my argument. How would Yoda know what leads to the dark side? You could say it was through his diligent studies in the Jedi Temple. But simply put, you’re a simpleton. It is commonly known that experience is the best teacher. So, I hate to say it to you kids, but Yoda probably dabbled in the dark side as a teen. You could consider it like going through a goth phase. Except evil. Now maybe it was his fear of getting caught smoking the Mary Jane. Then maybe the Jedi temple caught him and took away his light saber. And maybe he was so pissed off at his Jedi teacher that he started to wear black underneath his robes and placed a stolen kyber crystal in his super-secret hidden light saber therefore turning it red. We may never know to be honest, but I’m probably right and Yoda’s years as a rebellious culminated with him dabbling as emo-sith teen.

January 25, 2020January 26, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Social Commentary

Not Today Scammers

Not today scammer. You’re not getting Walmart gift cards from me. That’s right someone tried to scam me. They tried to impersonate my company’s CEO, but it didn’t work on me. It did throw me off though. I’m a low man on the totem pole. Why would the CEO email me? Also, who is the CEO? I didn’t know when the scammer emailed me, I honestly thought he was a client. I knew I heard the name before, but I thought it was from being CC’d on an email to the client. Everything about the email through me off. Asking for help on an urgent task, using the word ASAP, and improper use of grammar. Everything was off. So, I thought to myself why did the scammer suck? Am I a super sleuth? Probably. But still I am going to analyze everything why this scam is trash.

The Email Address

If you are going to email a peon in a random company impersonating a CEO, at least put the CEO’s name in the email. That’s right I said it. The scammer didn’t put the CEO’s name in the email. Instead it said Millsaps. Was a small liberal arts school in Mississippi emailing me? Is the urgent task that they want me to give a commencement speech at their upcoming graduation? I’m honored, but I doubt it. I would be surprised if a school of less than a thousand asked a random guy who works in record keeping to give a commencement speech. Nice try scammer, but I’m not that dumb.

The Contents of the Email

Grammar. Let’s be real if your running a company for private equity, your going to use proper grammar. Capitalization is important. I know that if I’m sending an email to coworker, hell even if I’m doing a team’s message, I’m going to know when to capitalize. Starting off an email with “hi matthew”, is going to catch my attention, but not in the OMG THE CEO is messaging me kind of way. Mainly because I forgot who he was, but you get my point.

What was the Scam?

The reason I mentioned that the scammer was not getting Walmart gift cards from me, is because I have seen the trick before. You get an email from the CEO asking you about an urgent task and then all the sudden they ask you for gift cards. Why are they asking for gift cards? Well they want to give them away for bonuses. Does it make sense? Frankly, no. If I was at work having an annual review and my boss said, “we are pleased with your work and love the energy you give in the office. Your also extremely handsome and I see great potential in you. Here’s a $25 gift card to Walmart.” I would be pissed. What a gift card? If your going to give me $25 at least give me cash so I can spend it on scratch offs.

What I’ve learned

Well to be honest not much. There are quite a few questions that have been raised because of this email. How did they get my work email? Why me? Is there a mole in my company siphoning off corporate emails to scammers? Sadly, we will never know. I’ve learned that I’m not a gullible as I thought, because I was able to stop a phishing. So, shout out me. There’s a lot that could have gone wrong. As stated before I could have been out $600 dollars.

January 16, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Sports

PFT Commenter Could Kick My Ass

So recently I discovered Barstool Sports and I can say I am a fan. They have some funny bloggers and their podcasts are great. They have a talented group of people. They really do. But there is one person who stood out to me above the rest, PFT Commenter. At first, I thought it was maybe because he’s a witty dude who wears sunglasses inside and does a great Alex Jones impression. But then I saw a video on Twitter of PFT trying out for the XFL team the DC Defenders as a kicker and it hit me. This man could totally kick my ass. It all made sense the glasses and wanting to be a kicker, this was one deceptive MF’er.

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You see the reason I say he’s deceptive is that kickers are the most deceptively strong position on a football team. You must be able to drill a ball through the goal posts from tens of yards away. And what do you need to kick the ball through the uprights? Strong legs. And what is the most devastating strike in MMA? A kick. Particularly a head kick, but we’ll get to that. I saw a video on YouTube of UFC light heavy weight champ Jon Jones nail a guy in the leg and the bruise was disgusting. That guys leg was a rainbow of hurt. It looked terrible. So of course, to be a kicker, its in the job title that you must have obscenely strong legs. So, imagine a guy who is 5’10 walk up to a nail you with an XFL level kick. Devastating. Now you could be thinking to yourself, but Matt your 6’4 what are you afraid of? Simply put, the follow through. To be a good kicker you must have good form. And good form involves a follow through. Now I don’t know if you’ve seen a kicker kick, but they get their legs up there. That’s what scares me. I could just be chilling then BAM, I’m nailed in the head by an XFL level kick by a man half a foot shorter than me. Terrifying I know.

Now PFT is famous for wearing sunglasses everywhere. While trying out for the DC Defenders there is video evidence of him wearing sunglasses while nailing shots in between the uprights. But what’s he hiding behind those sunglasses? He must be hiding something. I mean why would he not want you to see his eyes? We’ll my friends I have figured it out. That man is filled with the unbridled desire to kick. Kick footballs or people it doesn’t matter. It was when I saw him kick the pig skin that I realized that this was a man who you do not want to fuck with.

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I know it might sound crazy that PFT trying out for kicker is what put the fear of god in me, but kicker is a position for killers. You must have the mental fortitude to know that even if you miss a 50-yard kick people are going to question you. You must have the mental fortitude to over come the constant nagging of “oh my god how do you miss that”. You must be a mental samurai. Now don’t get me started on punters though. Those dudes can fuck a person up. They literally are blasting a ball as far as humanly possible into the oncoming of super athlete traffic. They have no regards for their safety. They are the berserkers of kickers. So, it’s obvious my nightmare is that PFT decides to become a punter. Not because it means he failed as a kicker, but because then we would have a 5’10 monster raining bombs on us.

January 12, 2020January 14, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Social Commentary, Uncategorized

A Zombie Apocalypse is Bullshit

America lets discuss a pop culture phenomenon. One captured in the 1932 movie White Zombie. That’s right we’re talking about Zombies. Not that they will be our impending doom. Or how to be best prepared for this catastrophic event. We’re going to talk about how unrealistic a zombie apocalypse really is. Now I’m not saying, “oh my god this is sooooo fake. Zombies are an impossible fear of the imagination”. I’m saying a zombie take over could never happen for one reason and one reason alone. Guns. That’s right guns. Now many would say the United States has a gun problem. It seems like every other month there are news about a mass shooting. It’s heart breaking. It really is. Whether you see guns as a scourge on society or as a tool for defense, it is the right to bear arms that would protect us from a zombie apocalypse.

A zombie scourge would be nipped in the bud very quickly. Oh, shoot a zombie outbreak has happened in the Woodlands mall? No need to worry Mr. Cena has a concealed carry license for his colt 45. Boom zombie dead and everyone can go back to enjoying their Chick-Fil-A. Honestly maybe zombies would be the best way to deal with the American gun discourse. Think about it. You’re mad after a tough day of work and your boss was being a total jerk. Well go to the zombie shooting range. They are already dead, so you don’t have to worry about hurting anything. Also hunting. I totally could see poachers shifting from hunting big and exotic game to zombies. Maybe if we had zombies Cecil the lion would still be alive. I’m not saying I have the answers for protecting endangered animals but I’m just throwing that out there.

Yet I digress. Why would guns call bullshit on the zombie armageddon. Well first and most obviously, self-defense duh. I don’t know about other states, but here in Texas, so many people have guns. Like so much so that if there were zombies, I would have no problem barbecuing with my neighbors. Because let’s say Aunt Irma rises from the grave and comes my way to eat my sweet, sweet brain. I know Larry from down the street would easily be able to no scope that undead witch. We wouldn’t even need the police or the army. 911 Calls would be like “Oh there’s a zombie in your backyard? Why don’t you just drive down Woodlands Parkway to your local Academy Sports and Outdoors and buy a Berretta A300.” It’s just so ridiculous that Hollywood is making humans look so weak to these lethargic push overs. I mean they move so slow; you can’t tell me they wouldn’t be easy targets. I bet the army would use them for training exercises. That’s how little of a threat they would be. Oh yeah Matt, but what if there were a hundred at the local roller rink. Automatic guns. Duh.

If you think about it, maybe zombies aren’t such a bad idea. We have a crap ton of guns, so instead of using them on each other, maybe we would turn them on our undead brothers.

January 11, 2020 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, politics, Social Commentary

Guy Fieri: The Civil Leader We Need

We live in a tumultuous time right now. There is the ever-present war with Iran. The upcoming presidential election between a slew of democratic maybes and a man so polarizing that opinions of him are questions on dating profiles. It’s honestly a little scary. I have friends who make jokes about the draft all the time. It’s pretty much constant. The distress between political parties. The distress between people of different beliefs. It’s honestly too much. However, in this dark time, there is a beacon of hope who can save us from our impending geopolitical and civil doom. There is one person who can elevate the fear of the masses and protect us from the evils that are approaching us. That man is the mayor of Flavor Town, Guy Fieri.

Let’s be real America, Guy Fieri represents everything this country stands for. The little Mom and Pop businesses who work tirelessly to provide for their families and their communities. We all love the story of the little person rising to the top, becoming a beacon for those around them and Guy Fieri brings these great Americans to the forefront. He’s someone who both democrats and republicans can rally around. Though both parties may argue about the semantics, we all want the same thing. A great leader to lead us through these uncertain times. And my friends, I can tell you Guy Fieri is that man. Oh no Iran is pissed, here have this barbecue sauce seasoned with golpar from an elderly couple from Asheville. The man would use food to dissolve political conflict. And don’t tell me the man couldn’t debate with global leaders. You’re seriously telling me that a small diner in Indiana doesn’t want their secret recipe for chili BROADCASTED on national television. Honestly, I don’t know, but I can tell you who convinced them to spill the beans. GUY FUCKING FIERI.

He’s the Mayor of Flavor Town and think about the social importance that sharing a meal has on our society. Yeah you and your aunt may not see eye-to-eye on health care, but after a full stomach of Guy’s famous Cajun fried turkey you’ll agree about a suitable defense budget. Yes, sometimes it can be stressful breaking bread with someone you disagree with. I mean people break up with each other over meals. But a good meal can settle the mood and can put even the most conflicted of lovers on the same page for an evening. So now imagine what a man who knows his way around food and pushes the goals of the common man could do for this country. Republicans and democrats. Trumpers and Bernie bros sharing a sloppy Joe for the common good of the country. People say The Rock 2020, but I’m telling you Guy Fieri 2020 is the move.

Lets also think about it from the most superficial standpoint that a leader can have, their looks. If my next reason doesn’t convince you, then I have failed with this blog. Frosted tips. Guy Fieri is the only man in 2020 who can pull off frosted tips. That’s right I said it. Thirty years after its boom in popularity, Guy is still rocking the tips. That my friends is confidence. That’s what people want in a leader. A person who can set aside preconceived notions of antiquated ideas. Literally the only man who can rock a shirt with flames on it. You tell me the supreme leader of Iran wouldn’t be down to peace talks with a man who can rock the shit out of frosted tips while also know the best halal places on the east coast.

January 15, 2017January 20, 2017 Matthew Hammarstrom Comedy, Social Commentary

Donald Trump said “Build the Mall”

In honor of Donald Trump’s impending inauguration, I thought I would share a story with the world. I’ve struggled with finding an outlet for this post for a while now. At first I thought of posting it on social media, but I decided against such a course due to my disdain for elongated Facebook posts and other ilk of its kind. I toyed with writing a novel, perhaps some essays I have in queue, but there’s no way this story would be published in time. Then it dawned on me a blog. So here you go world, the greatest example of misinformed voting.

It’s November ninth, the day after the election and for some it is a day of mourning. However, for one suburban sorority all-star in particular, it was an abrupt eye-opener to the world in front of her.

I’m waiting in line at Starbucks doing nothing spectacular, when I hear what sounds like someone crying. I’m not a hundred percent sure what’s going on, so I quickly glance over my shoulder to see two girls in their early twenties sitting approximately three feet to my left: what happened next blew my mind.

“I didn’t know he wanted to build a wall!” Girl one weakly whimpered to her consoling friend. “I thought he wanted to build a mall!”

My thought process upon hearing this: “Is she serious?…… Holy shit she is! This is fucking awesome! Judging by the Greek letters on her shirt she’s currently in a sorority. So that means that she’s in college. But to misconstrue such a crucial point of Trump’s platform is huge. I know sorority girls have a ditsy stereotype, but this takes it to another level.” So doing what any person would do, I stepped out of line, grabbed a table within earshot, and was in for a fucking show.

“Sarah, it’s okay. Girl, anybody could have made that mistake. I mean like mall and wall sound soooooo similar. No one is going to judge you.” Girl, who I later learn is named Steph, whispered while rubbing Sarah’s back.

“I’m just so stupid! I knew it sounded too good to be true. Like a Mall of America in every city in America just isn’t even financially feasible! (The fuck are you talking about? This is when reason kicks in?) Do you know what a mall food court stands for Stephanie? Do you?!”

Stephanie, the girl comforting Sarah, just looked confused and who could blame her? The analogy that Sarah was about to throw out would dumbfound anyone. Who could have predicted that a girl who, I kid you not, voted for a presidential candidate because she thought he was going to build a mall, would delve deep into the social constructs of a mall food court.

“Inclusion Steph! It stands for inclusion! I mean you have like a Chinese place, near a Mexican restaurant, right next to a Wendy’s!” Sarah yelled before bursting into a fit of tears. “America is not a melting pot nor a salad bowl Steph, it’s a mall food court!”

I snorted when I heard this. This was the most outlandish metaphor I had ever heard describing America’s social landscape. However, aware that I may have compromised my eavesdropping, I checked my six to make sure I hadn’t attracted any attention. I was good.

“Uhhh” went Stephanie in the single most confused tone I’ve ever heard.

“See you don’t understand! The Chinese place, the Mexican restaurant, and the Wendy’s are then all owned by some Eastern European man who chortles at the cash he’s making on the overpriced garbage. Do you see it Steph, do you”?!

Now my mouth is wide open. This was gold. Pure, fucking Conquistador pillage the Aztec Empire gold.

“Everyone loves food courts! That’s what! It’s the Barn Party; everyone puts aside their differences and gets lit. But instead of taking shots, they’re eating tots Steph.” Sarah is low key getting hysteric now. “I just wanted them to eat tots Steph. Freaking freedom tots that would have quelled the social unrest of our great nation.”

Steph’s eyes are wide open now scanning the Starbucks, clearly mortified by her sorority sister’s meltdown. Still, I give her props for not bailing on her friend and continuing to comfort Sarah. “Girl you’re stressed, distressed, and depressed. Let’s get margs and unwind.”

And it was over. My exposé into the local food court was over. Margaritas had stolen the highlight of my week and there was nothing I could do about it. Here an un-informed, yet oddly intelligent person systematically deconstructed the relationship of a food court. I sat in my seat pondering the events that had just occurred and was astounded.