So recently I discovered Barstool Sports and I can say I am a fan. They have some funny bloggers and their podcasts are great. They have a talented group of people. They really do. But there is one person who stood out to me above the rest, PFT Commenter. At first, I thought it was maybe because he’s a witty dude who wears sunglasses inside and does a great Alex Jones impression. But then I saw a video on Twitter of PFT trying out for the XFL team the DC Defenders as a kicker and it hit me. This man could totally kick my ass. It all made sense the glasses and wanting to be a kicker, this was one deceptive MF’er.
You see the reason I say he’s deceptive is that kickers are the most deceptively strong position on a football team. You must be able to drill a ball through the goal posts from tens of yards away. And what do you need to kick the ball through the uprights? Strong legs. And what is the most devastating strike in MMA? A kick. Particularly a head kick, but we’ll get to that. I saw a video on YouTube of UFC light heavy weight champ Jon Jones nail a guy in the leg and the bruise was disgusting. That guys leg was a rainbow of hurt. It looked terrible. So of course, to be a kicker, its in the job title that you must have obscenely strong legs. So, imagine a guy who is 5’10 walk up to a nail you with an XFL level kick. Devastating. Now you could be thinking to yourself, but Matt your 6’4 what are you afraid of? Simply put, the follow through. To be a good kicker you must have good form. And good form involves a follow through. Now I don’t know if you’ve seen a kicker kick, but they get their legs up there. That’s what scares me. I could just be chilling then BAM, I’m nailed in the head by an XFL level kick by a man half a foot shorter than me. Terrifying I know.
Now PFT is famous for wearing sunglasses everywhere. While trying out for the DC Defenders there is video evidence of him wearing sunglasses while nailing shots in between the uprights. But what’s he hiding behind those sunglasses? He must be hiding something. I mean why would he not want you to see his eyes? We’ll my friends I have figured it out. That man is filled with the unbridled desire to kick. Kick footballs or people it doesn’t matter. It was when I saw him kick the pig skin that I realized that this was a man who you do not want to fuck with.
I know it might sound crazy that PFT trying out for kicker is what put the fear of god in me, but kicker is a position for killers. You must have the mental fortitude to know that even if you miss a 50-yard kick people are going to question you. You must have the mental fortitude to over come the constant nagging of “oh my god how do you miss that”. You must be a mental samurai. Now don’t get me started on punters though. Those dudes can fuck a person up. They literally are blasting a ball as far as humanly possible into the oncoming of super athlete traffic. They have no regards for their safety. They are the berserkers of kickers. So, it’s obvious my nightmare is that PFT decides to become a punter. Not because it means he failed as a kicker, but because then we would have a 5’10 monster raining bombs on us.
Hammared 